Of all the sins I’ve committed in life, I can never forgive myself the most for causing undue hurt to others. And after listening and observing for a few days after the Nats, I realise that I’ve only been a hindrance to many around me for the past year. I guess many people have started to dislike me as a person… and even I have been looking down on myself. I can’t believe, for example, that I cannot even start on Mathematics homework at home, even if it has been lying on the table for hours. I blame myself for falling asleep when I should have been doing history homework. I start to think that had I done more work, our Project’s Day website would have been completed by now. I do not know why on earth I am playing badly for Scrabble. Worst of all, I can’t fathom why I’m underperforming for Chemistry (B4 for the test, I’m expecting worse for the pop quiz), something which I should ideally be performing excellently in. And this doesn’t only concern me – it harms about everyone about me. I guess, for instance, that my history group did expect me to contribute much more than I did in the end. By irresponsibly sleeping when I was supposed to read history notes (and at least type out a paragraph), I’ve let down not only myself, but the entire group.

Simply put, I am incapable. Don’t you find it true yourself? I don’t particularly find any areas which I have ever excelled in, even when I have worked hard. While I used to have several close friends (might even be an overestimate), the number is steadily dwindling as I find myself falling into this chasm of despair. I can’t even have a proper conversation with others about what I’m really thinking. People think I’m being lame or insensitive when I talk about my “lousiness”… but it is really true that I’m an underachiever. There are few avenues of joy for me to tap on… might be the occasional win on ISC (that usually comes with one or two blanks anyhow), or the “=D KNN!!!!!!!!!!” that comes with JJ’s email message, or even the joke that comes out of WWE every once in a while…

Well I’m absolutely sorry if I have caused anyone hurt in any way. Yes, this is my life, but my life always has some impact on other lives. I wish to forget… and forget everything that has been happening. I don’t even want to be under the pressure that a Hwa Chongian receives when I step out into the society, no matter how proud I am of being from this school. I’d rather describe myself as a failed Hwa Chongian – one who has not gained a single sense of direction in his life, who has not earned many true friends who he can definitely count on in the future. I’m sure many of you after reading this would say that I have too high expectations of myself… but the basic expectation that I have is not to disappoint others. Is that too high an expectation?

I shall slowly fade out of everyone’s lives… when we’re out of JC treat me like I never existed. I’ve disappointed too many people to be called a friend. I’d wish to write more here but I’ll only be wasting everyone’s time (after all I am not really worthy of concern). I should go move and live in isolation someday, perhaps in some African country where I can truly help others without being known. Perhaps I shall stop blogging here soon since I never say anything interesting. The lure of detachment…

One for all, All for one, Venturez’ 06 (VLC this week… are you ready? To think of it I’d regard many of the Ventures as true friends, but then again they don’t know me that well…)

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