I have proudly redefined the “delinquent” (and appropriately used too, I look like I just got out of jail) term “no life” by spending hours after hours on Windows card games – i.e. Freecell, Solitaire and less commonly Hearts, all without doing my towering pile of homework (and a huge percentage of them overdue). It is difficult for the concerned friend to postulate why this might be so, but I shall attempt a relatively short (I highlight relatively) explanation. What I have been doing is not a manifestation or an advanced stage of angst. It is more of a catenation of events (and my observations) that have led to my thoughts (which have thus influenced my actions).
I do not wish to reside in the present; the meanings of life that used to appeal to me – dreams of teenage “wealth”, accomplishment and kinship are slowly subsiding and losing their value to me. How I’d wish my life was a cassette tape, then I’d be able to fast forward it to post-University days, where I can actually do things of substantial value. Things like travelling around the world and helping the needy all appeal more to me than getting an A1 for my Physics test. (I got a B3 btw, and I’m not disappointed because I don’t bother so much, how can mastery of a subject be quantified through tests?) Pragmatically speaking though, these are all impossible without the money (and hence the uncertainties of jobs arise).
What is the Singaporean dream? I’ve heard of people who desire wealth, fame, prestige, all expected products (I am referring to the people as “products”) of education in a meritocratic society. People who consider working in other countries for a high paying job, and who calculatively assert that National Service takes away 2 years of their lives which they could otherwise utilise to further their studies. Yes, in a meritocracy the lure of “tangible achievement” is too much to resist, and is perhaps what actually is the Singaporean dream (maybe many other dreams too) – the pure competition for achievement.
Is this dream what I desire? Indisputably, it does offer guarantees, e.g. social status, physical well-being. I don’t think, however, that these are what I need in my life. I do not wish to live in a world where competition for these seemingly invaluable but rather unimportant tangibles form the basis of living and survival. I’ve heard of people who are depressed because of poor grades. But is it actually worth getting demoralised over something which is really just the system’s inaccurate gauge of achievement? Does an F9 in Math, for instance, sentence you to the gallows 30 years later?
I base these lengthy concepts on my observations, and what inspired me to post this was perhaps the Double Physics period where Mr. Tan returned the Physics test papers (I think I will elaborate in the next post if I will talk about my sub nickname). I have been opening and closing “Create Post” windows just because I was unable to think of what to post – a chronological recount on National Day Carnival, an update about how I was fading away or something along these lines. Just random facts that you might want to know.
Wonder whether I’ll break out of the Freecell/ Solitaire/ Hearts chain. Perhaps I need something of greater value to spur me on. I might post one more about my sub-nickname later for further elaboration soon.
I’m considering keeping my blog open, at least it allows me to organise my thoughts coherently.
One for all, All for one. Venturez’ 06